Once again I was reminded myself of this rather disturbing fact about myself by my very own self so I'm hoping, maybe writing this down would help me in the future.
Dear future self, if you would ever have to go through this again please understand that yourself in the past (this moment as in 7.32.27 pm on 14/09/2017) considers yourself as a failure. And you are advised again to make very little of what will happen in this phase since it always passes through... but not uneventfully.
I tend to get quite jealous in typical cases rather easily. By "typical cases" I don't mean when I see someone achieve something good, getting something I don't have or anything that goes along that line. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a person who attach myself around people more than things or objects. I believe it is same for the most of us. I believe I am normal when it comes to that at least.
I get jealous when I loose attention bestowed upon me!
Yes. I'm that simple. This phenomenon occurs mostly when I see or hear someone that I consider as my closest hanging too much around someone else totally new. Or someone I already knew about. Context actually doesn't matter. Feeling is there.
And it doesn't happen with just anyone.. You have to be extremely close to me to make me go all bold. If you are in fact extremely close to me, that means you do know some deep and dark shit about me too obviously. Maybe that jealousy is generated by a certain fear and insecurity related to that fact too...
Either way I have been in this situation several times and I have been hurt and manipulated by some dear ones that came to know about this weakness of mine. And now I'm going all public with this information hoping it will cause me no harm. Oh SMART ASS boy me~
Due to this fact I had decided to keep my bubble small with a very few people whom I trust dearly to keep myself from falling into that abyss again. I hoped that less attachments to the people will help me survive and teach me some discipline when it comes to detachment. But one thing that I did not counter-plan was the fact that, "smaller your bubble gets, bigger the pressure you feel".
It is like taking all of your eggs out of your big basket and putting only some of the best ones inside a smaller basket. You will give more attentions to the ones in this small basket cuz they are precious to you! And even just one falls down the basket will feel lighter and feel empty. Without any other replacement eggs the basket will not be complete. It's terrible..!
To avoid this bitterness what I could do was, as soon as I sense a hint of looseness from any egg, I carefully let it go. A bit by bit. It was easier than hanging on to it and pretending that I was fine with it. Of course I was decent enough to let the rebellious egg know how I feel and all. But that's not very effective once they turn that way. People are like that. They give priority to the ones who they see most in. Can't blame anyone right? It's a common human weakness.
However from the recent events I realized this is not just me. There are at least on more who face the same thing and goes through with it. Worst thing is I'm having this feeling that I did something that I hate feeling to someone else. And I'm not being true to myself if I say I do not feel guilty. Those bonds we share with some people are precious. And we have to be strong and responsible enough to keep them secured as much as we can for the longest time.
But things change. A rolling stone this is that we ride. People change, their ideals change, their ideals change,
their opinions about us change... and there is literately nothing we can do about it. Some might say that all theses worrying and anguish that I take into my heart so seriously is not worth it. But I do not agree. I want to live in this moment and cherish as much memories, feelings and people and moments with them as possible. I am willing do do high sacrifices and commit myself to those moments.
People get distant due to the stupidest reasons. If they can see the bigger picture and forgive and forget - let go of their ego and get along, they will surely live much happier right? But as nice as it is, it is not easy. All are humans in the end. We run on our feelings not sound reasoning. We are built that way. Our brains are not strong enough to overtake our feeble hearts that crash and burn at the tiniest of unjust and loneliness..
Jealousy, my dark friend.
I thank you for being there with me all this time.
And I will never let you go away.
I will pay enough attention to you as you remind me of those who I have to give attention to.
I will be jealous of all their other friends and family.
I will constantly remind them that they are my number one priority.
I will shower them will all my love and care.
I will always stay with them.
And my ego.. thank you my demented friend you too have made me become the person I am today.
You taught me ho to love and care unconditionally no matter what other say.
You taught me not to believe what you see or hear but what I feel.
You gave me strength to hang on with them even at a obvious crumbling point.
You gave me strength to stand loyally beside them at their most vulnerable moments, hold a hand and listen to all the complains they had kept inside.
You gave me strength to empathize and courage to crawl into someone else's shoes in front of a large crowd without any shame and make them smile for a moment forgetting all the trouble.
Final note. Future me, I know you will be here. Hear me out one last time.
Always be loyal to the ones who make you feel like family. Never doubt them for a moment. Even if it destroys you in the end, it will worth it.
"In the end only three things matter; how well we have lived, how well we have loved and how well we have learned to let go."
- Jack Cornfield -
